Writer's block! A writer's worst nightmare.
It's defined as: The inability to write. A condition in which an "author" loses the ability to produce new work.
There are several reasons that can contribute to the reality of this horrifying phrase:
Lack of inspiration.
I do not begin to classify myself as a "writer" or an "author" or any other title proclaiming such caliber.
For that, I'm not worthy. Rather, I would prefer to call myself just a simple woman who processes life through written word. And lately, this simple processor just can't write. I am not finding myself in a position that lacks material. Creativity doesn't seem to be a short coming, nor do I feel that I am having the trouble finding inspiration. There is a red journal I carry with me the contains an ocean of ideas I wish to explore, questions I would like to propose, and life moments I would like to share. . .yet when I sit down to type, nothing that I'm willing to reveal comes.
This blog alone, I have sat on for over a week.
Perhaps here lies the problem: everything I wish to write, or ask, or discuss--everything on my heart that I want to share, to pour out and chew on together . . . are things that are just too close.
It's funny looking back over this blog and how some entries, whether you--the unseen faces, have known every detail of what I was writing about or not, I wasn't afraid to write, to be vulnerable, to be honest. And yet, now, that's where I find myself. I feel afraid in sharing my thoughts. I feel cynical about letting people in. I feel jaded.
And it's a place I do not like to be. It's a place where I have let unresolved hurt fester. I have let myself curl up and hide the pain, the disappointment, the sting, behind the thick skin of "I don't care."
But the truth is, I do.
I've been hurt.
It happens. And I know it will continue to happen.
And more truth---I have caused hurt. I know that no matter how hard I try not to be a source of hurt and pain, I will, time and time again.
People are messy. You are messy. I am messy. And just maybe, living amongst the messiness of our human nature, and being more aware of it, yet stuck on how to move forward are why the words spoken from the pulpit Sunday have haunted me this past week.
Love and unity over our integrity.
As Christ followers, we can so easily fall into the trap of getting on our high horse and standing firm on our integrity, our truth, our rightness, and leaving love and the common bond of unity as a body of believers by the wayside.
I've lived in this for the past few months. I've been caught in a battle. Side A has planted firmly on their integrity. And I have staked my integrity confidently on Side B. I have wrestled and prayed and spent many sleepless nights in hopes of finding the right words to express my side, to shed understanding on an issue that I believe is so misunderstood behind the church walls today. I have willingly participated in this conflict of integrity, and for that I am sorry. I want to apologize for those who I have hurt along the way. Those I have walled off and disconnected from in the process. Those I have failed to show what Jesus truly gave up His life for.
I ask for your forgiveness and offer forgiveness to those who have stood on the opposing side. We've fallen into the trap that the enemy hopes we will stay in.
The truth is, we are sisters in Christ, brothers in Christ, and we can't let wars of our integrity divide us.
We are one body.
Maybe I am finally just ready to lay it all down. To wave my white flag over here on side B in hopes that the battle line will vanish and God's grace and love will once again pour over the common ground of Jesus Christ that we should be steadfastly grounded on.