Ever have one of those weeks where you feel like you get slammed from every side? Me too. And this has been the week. I wish I could share that through it all I was able to pull up my big girl pants and stand in confidence that I knew what God was doing. But honestly, I had my moments. Curling up in the fetal position and letting the flood gates open. Temper tantrums where I questioned, "God, if you called me walk down this road, then why ...." Moments of heart break and sorrow for poor decisions of my past that led to the reality of facing real consequences of the present. And this list goes on.
The days of the week continued passing and I noticed that the wall--you know, the one that I have been working on tearing and keeping down--has been slowly resurfacing. It's quite humorous, that in tearing down that wall, opening up and becoming more authentic and v . . .vul . . . vulnerable (still do not like this word) is the reason I find myself in this water, doggie paddling through these waves.
As I stood at The ROC last night listening to the words of worship, as the tears fell, and as my heart began to soften, I realized--it's ok. It's okay, that I have real emotions that attached themselves to the situations of my life. It's okay, that sometimes, all I know how to do is cry. It's okay that we don't agree. It’s okay that it hurts that we don't agree. It's okay to say I'm sorry. It’s okay that I can' fix it. It's okay to just want a hug. It's okay to lay my questions at His feet. It's okay to be frustrated and angry. It's okay to be real even if conflict arises from it. It's okay to try even if all will be lost in the end. It's okay to laugh when your heart is breaking. It's okay to speak words of truth. It's okay to stand up for myself and for what I believe in. It's okay to have a voice. It's okay to have days where you are just sad. It's okay to wrestle and doubt and struggle (and heaven knows through this life we will), and it's okay to not know His plan.
Even though I am absolutely clueless as to what He is doing at the current moment of my life, I know that as long as I keep my focus on Him, as long as I throw my temper tantrums at His feet, as long as I keep loving like He loves, as long as I keep fighting the walls that want to rebuild, as long as I keep being real, as long as I follow His voice, I know that it's all going to be okay.