09/20/2008. A date I will never forget. A day I placed on the pedestal of perfection. A day that was filled with smiles, and friends, and family and excitement. A day that over the past two years has become everything but, that stirs up emotions of failure, sadness, anger, confusion and disappointment.
This morning, when the roads were still quiet, when the sky began to reveal stunning colors of blue and yellow and pink, and the cool crisp air flowed through my cracked windows, from this September 20th morning, Barbara Kingsolver’s words, from her essay collection titled, Small Wonders, came to mind.
"The changes we dread most may contain our salvation.”
From that day of "perfection," change came. Change that was paralyzing. Change that uprooted my life. Change that broke me.
It was change that brought me to my knees, to my rock bottom, to a place where I questioned everything, and wrestled with a God who had been pushed to every last corner of my life.
It was change that brought salvation.
Today, 09/20/2008, isn't a day where I remember the smiles or the excitement. And it is a day that no longer holds, bitterness, anger, confusion or hurt. September 20, now stands as an alter in my life. One that will always remind me of the redeeming power and unfathomable love of Jesus Christ. It's an alter that reminds me that He can take a life full of self seeking pleasure, and transform it. He can take a soul that bottles up every emotion until it explodes, and teach it the words to communicate and boldness to work through conflict. He can take the insecurities and feelings of rejection and refill those holes with the loving acceptance of being called His beloved.
The change I dreaded most was the change I needed to become the woman He created me to be. To find the joy He hoped would consume my life. To find the fullness and knowledge that with Him, there is nothing that I lack.
It's been a journey to say the least. One that has been filled of mountain top peaks. One that has been filled with hard lessons. One that has been filled with restoration. One that has been filled with mistakes that caused hurt. One that has lead to head knowledge that moves to the heart. One that has pushed me outside of my comfort zone. One that has broken chains of addiction. One that has led me to my Jesus, to salvation and new life.
During that period of dreaded change, I would have found it very difficult to proclaim that I was happy to be walking that road. But looking back, I couldn't be more thankful to where He has led me, to where my feet are currently planted.
Life with Him in the margins, no matter how fun and exciting it may seem in the moment, it one of the biggest lies, to obtain a satisfying life I ever bought into. It's when He consumes the heart, soul, mind and every moment of every day that I have discovered what it truly means to live.
His mercies are new every morning . . . so here's to a new beautiful Sept. 20th morning. One filled with new life, new joy, new mercies and new love!!
(P.S. Hey You, TTMAB!!!! )