Need I say more??
For some those two words mean absolutely nothing. But for others, just hearing them alone, gets the heart racing, the palms sweating, and this feeling in your stomach that makes you think your lunch is going to revisit. And actually doing it, oh my, that creates a completely different list of horrifying reactions. I will spear you the details.
To speak honestly, for me, getting up and reading something or sharing someone else's thoughts is a different game. It's not an opportunity I yearn for, but have learned that it is doable. On the other hand, sharing my thoughts audibly and opening the doors into my world from a podium in a crowded room . . . just go ahead a shoot me.
Lately, I have run into this opportunity A LOT. (Ok, only twice but for me, once is too many times).
My comfort zone does not include me sharing a part of my life to a room full of people, or even to a handful of people. For me, there is safety in someone getting to know me, before they know my struggles, my history, and my thoughts.
If you haven't guessed it by now, the opportunity to speak in front of a room full of people, once again has knocked on my door. And here I am . . . wrestling with this knot that has found permanent residence in my throat, my stomach's new hobby of acrobatics and my mind's nonstop training for long distance running. Physically I question if i am going to survive.
As I have tried to grab hold to this reality, I have been reminded, rather hit with the 2x4, that it's not about staying in my comfort zone or leaning on my own strengths.
Today, I found myself in Exodus, reading the story of Moses, the burning bush, the Holy ground, the questions, the doubt, the promise that God would be with him and the signs to Moses that God will do what He said. As I was sharing some thoughts with a friend, she simply stated, "I use to be so hard on poor Moses, now I feel his pain and doubt."
Well, she's not alone.
I find myself in that camp more often than I'd like. I see the miracles of God, I see the provisions He has poured into my life, I see impossible circumstances that He makes possible, I see that He is with me and yet, I still question:
Who am I?
You sure you want me?
I think you meant to pick ___________!
and if questioning His call isn't enough, I am always quick to point out why I can't:
I won't be able to breath
I don't have any wisdom to share
I don't have enough time to prepare
Perhaps, one day I will learn to immediately fall into God's calling, verses first kicking, screaming and trying to convince Him there is somebody better for the job.