Sometimes you think you have come so far . . . your life looks completely different, many of the choices you make don't resemble what the 'old you' would have chosen, and your dreams and aspirations appear to have matured with this "new found growth." The dark corners of life that you avoided for years, the ones preventing you from moving forward, the ones you finally started opening the doors and shinning light on, somehow seem to creep back into their isolated places of hiding without you even knowing. You've opened those doors before, cried the tears of hurt, walked through the story of brokenness, and even allowed healing and clean bandages to cover the reopened wounds. Progress is made, forgiveness is given, and the brokenness is laid at His feet. Behaviors change, patterns are recreated, and "new life" is formed. One small victory is taken and ran with. You now find yourself in a place where you didn't see yourself heading, people are cheering you on, and things feel great. Except when you lay your head down at night, and you are able to stop running with that one small victory, you see that your clean bandages aren't so clean anymore. You see the new patterns made have fallen back into old routine.You see that the one door you opened, you shut too quickly. You see that the tears you cried, were really just the beginning. You see this new life conforming in ways back to the comfortable habits of the past. And you see that the brokenness you laid at His feet . . .well, you moved too quickly to let Him heal more than just the one small piece that you were ready to settle for.
Tonight as I sit here, bruised up by some hard truths heard today, I watch the sun set. My contacts out and my glasses off, everything is blurry, but the light. I didn't realize that I was running so fast that I got ahead of the light. You see, I took that one small victory and ran . . . ran to what I thought was next, what people expected from me, what I hoped would be, maybe a combination of all the above . . . but ran so far than I wasn't following the light anymore. Because now I see that the light is there waiting, waiting back at those dark corners with new clean bandages.
And I sit here, with the choice. To keep running with the pieces He's healed, or head back with those few pieces and let Him finish making what He intended to be a whole. Oh, it's not an easy choice. I have a feeling those dirty bandages will hurt coming off, but to be honest they are hurting staying on, and not just me.
Before I started writing, I went back to read some of my old blogs. Because of computer cliches, I only got through the very first one (if you are interested, http://eldrocmel.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-voice.html). I'll repeat how I started this blog off . . . . Sometimes you think you have come so far . . . tonight, I'm humbled, and broken, and taking back the one small victory to a God who has been waiting far too long to make me whole.
Psalm 51:17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart