August 22, 2010. Almost a whole year since I started this new quest. Hank Brooks was speaking, there was a casket on stage at PCC, and Matthew West’s lyrics “I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking, What if I had given everything . . .?” made me internally start working through the reality of where I knew my life needed to head.
It’s been a journey to say the least (I won’t bore you with the struggles--you can re-read my last year’s worth of blogs if needed). But here I am, firmly planted on the other side. I am completely overwhelmed at the transformation my life has taken in just one year’s time. It’s not perfect, and there are constant struggles, questions and set backs, but there is also unspeakable joy and an undeniable purpose that succeeds my wildest dreams.
For so long, I wrestled with why I am here? What is my purpose? At times, I got tired of looking for an answer and carved out my own path. Sometimes I was just lazy, and didn’t want to put forth the effort. Life just passed by and I went with it. At other times, I was fearfully of rejection and being left out, so I ran with the crowd. And sometimes, I didn’t want to let down the projected image of who I thought others wanted me to be, so I adopted their purpose for my life. And then, since non of the above options were working, I started taking baby steps toward God. Learning to let go and follow. It is there that I have found life. There that I have found purpose.
A year ago, as I squirmed in my seat, felt my lungs tighten, as I thought of every reason not to let go and envisioned the hell that would come if I did, I never thought I’d be sitting here tonight thankful for the wounds and scars that I have from my past. Each wound representing my need for a Savior, and each scar reminding me that He is faithful.