Thursday, June 16, 2011

If at first you don't succeed--try again.

Day 11

It is day 11 of this “retreat.” I wish I could write about the amazing time I have had unplugging from distractions and plugging right into the heart of God. I wish I could write about my disciplines of being still and quiet before our God and how I have heard Him speak His truth and wisdom over me. I wish I could write more about understanding this new me that I am called to be or of the power that His Word has spoken into my life. But I can’t. Disconnecting has proven to be a challenge.

I have learned in these 11 days that staying busy, and filling my time, is easy and comfortable. Silence and being still is intimidating. It is in the stillness and silence that I am left with hard questions and doubts that continually play over and over in my head. Perhaps it is in those times of questions, doubts and confrontation that real relationships are built, where trust is found and where authenticity exudes. I feel Him nudging, calling and challenging me to pursue Him in silence, to really disconnect, to seek Him out, to work out my faith, to ask my questions and share my doubts and to rest in Him.

I have been given the choice. I can continue to disconnect half heartedly as I have been doing, or even forget it all and just reenter into life as I know it. But I am haunted by the question . . . what if I gave it all? What if I set aside all my fears and my apprehensions and dived in, do it how He is asking, to really discover what Psalm 46:10 means? What if I work through the uncomfortably of silence and I see Him like I never have?

Being a part of this “twitter” generation, is leaving me empty. I have adopted the concept that life summed up in 140 characters is enough, but I am starved for more. And that’s part of the quest . . .to find it. I am not sure I even know exactly what “it” is, but I do know that He is the only one who has the answers. He is the only one who can fill me and leave me satisfied.

So, game plan #2! By Monday, the 20th the last 6 boxes should be unpacked and I should be completely settled into my new place. My calendar will be clear for the following 5 days. I will have read The Invitation to Silence and Solitude by Ruth Haley Barton, in hopes to find some concrete tools to help navigate me. And my cell phone, TV, home computer will be turned off, unplugged, or thrown out the window. Whatever it takes! J

I covet your prayers through this week. I am sure I will be face with many challenges and obstacles, but I am anxious to encounter, to wrestle and to rest in our Almighty God.

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