Friday, May 13, 2011

A little bit of this, a little bit of that . . .

It’s Friday!! Not only is it Friday, but it is Friday the 13th. I am not superstitious by any means, but I did grow up in a house of boys—boys that loved their scary/thriller movies. So, naturally I have a love for them as well. I wish I could spend my night with some friends watching scary movies, but a) a majority of my friends do not care for scary movies at all and b) . . .


This weekend (including tonight) will be another weekend filled with packing up the house. On the agenda (insert scary movie noise here) . . . the kitchen! This does not sound very fun to me . . . so that means there must be loud music blaring, silliness and laughter happening, and perhaps even a delicious bottle of red wine on the agenda as well!


In just a matter of a week, the plan of where I will be moving has unraveled. I can’t say that it isn’t disappointing, but I’m not freaking out. There is a bigger plan here and the timing just isn’t right for me to know it yet. I have a feeling by the end of this process I will look back, with my mouth wide open, gasping WOW! God’s timing and His glory is what it is all about . . . I am just trying to stay out of the way so it can be seen.


I’m missing some people today. People that I’ve shared life with, but in the past few years, months, even weeks life has been in the way of reconnecting/staying connected. I need to get better about weeding out some distractions, so I can love on them better.


I have picked back up David Platt’s book Radical from a short hiatus. It has been a very thought provoking and challenging read. I’m wrestling with a lot of those challenges, ideas, and . . . well, EVERYTHING! I had some great study and reflection time carved out the past two days. My mind is nonstop from thoughts about discipleship, church, and working out my salvation (Phil 2:12). I want to learn how to better sustain effort and diligence in cultivating what’s been planted. I want to learn to share my faith more. I want to learn to die to myself, my wants and my desires more than I do. I want to love people better. I want to serve more with my best than with my leftovers. Thank goodness that He’s still working on me . . . because this chickadee has a lot of work that still needs to be done!


I am going to need a new book to read soon . . . the last three I have read have really been amazing books. I need some suggestions. Read any good books lately or ones you consider are must reads?


I encountered 3 folks that I feel are some”must meet” kind of people, this week. They just exude love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. You know the kind of folks that Christ just overflows out of? Ha ha it’s been a while since I’ve gone up to a stranger and asked if they wanted to grab a cup of coffee . . . perhaps it’s time!


I get to have lunch at the Bass Pro Shop this weekend (a family gathering). To some, this is not a big deal, for this city kid—it makes me chuckle! I hear it is a great time, and with my family no doubt that it won’t be; however, just writing this little ditty about the upcoming experience makes me laugh. If Powhatan is a living option, and yes, it’s on the list, perhaps I should embrace just a wee bit of country. Ya reckon’?


Happy Friday! J

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Conflict

I hate conflict. I avoid it at all cost. I tend to think I am strong enough to carry the feelings of hurt, disappointment, and anger on my own, without letting it affect me or my relationships. But, it doesn’t work like that. Unresolved conflict changes everything. I don’t like who I become with it and I don’t like the distance it creates. So, if I hate what conflict does, why do I avoid resolving it?


Fear? Rejection? The truth? All the above?


I do fear. I fear that the outcome of starting these conversations will end with rejection. I fear the dynamics of the friendship changing for the worse. I fear hearing the truth—that I am being irrational and silly. I fear having to own up to mistakes that my pride is keeping me from admitting. I fear hearing that my feelings aren’t valid or are wrong. I fear that I care more about the relationship than the recipient or learning the opposite.


Conflict can be very good. I know this. It is where growth happens, where relationships can deepen and where people get real. It bothers me that my natural instinct is to avoid that . . . growth, deeper relationship and becoming real. It’s not easy walking against instinct and into conflict. But I know those are the steps I am being nudged to take. Instinctively I want to dig my heels in, cross my arms, puff up my chest and say, I got this. But the reality is, I don’t have it, it is affecting me—and not in a positive way.


So, now is the tough part . . . I’ve processed the emotions. I’ve analyzed the knowledge . . . now it is time to choose. I can choose to do nothing, to let the gap widen, to try and avoid the bitterness and the withdrawal and deal with it on my own—that would be the path of least resistance, the ”easy” path if you will. Or I can choose to set aside my pride, set aside my fear and open up. I can choose not to play it safe. Good or bad to throw it all on the table and be real, to be honest, and to give all I have. I desire the latter choice, I do . . .