Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I should be sleeping . . .

I run. I run when life gets uncomfortable. I run when I get hurt. I run when things don’t go as I think they should. I shut down, I pick up and I run. It’s easy that way. I really don’t have to feel. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to come face to face with the reality that things get messy. That life is hard. All I have wanted to do in the last few weeks is to run, to pick up and to leave this chapter behind me. To go where no one knows me and start fresh. But no matter how hard I have tried to convince myself to move on and run away, I know it would just lead to more running.

Just cruising along has been my M.O. for a while now. But today was different. I was actually running behind my normal morning routine. Thirty minutes off of my schedule would normally put me in the middle of the chaotic morning commute, would have me arriving at work with everyone and their mother, and would have me waiting with 10 other folks in the break room all anticipating the first cup of coffee . . .but it wasn’t like that. My commute was quiet. There wasn’t a soul in the parking lot when I arrived and once I got to my desk there was an eerie silence. The difference in what should have been caught me off guard enough to stop the cruise control and for the first time in weeks to think and reflect.

I don’t want to run.

I don’t want to be apart from Him and what He is doing. I know that I am where I need to be, in this unsettled, insecure, vulnerable place where I am learning just how much I need Him. But I struggle with not knowing how to stand firm in this place of transformation. I’ve never stayed put long enough. So many questions, so many doubts. But tonight as I lay my head down, I have the desire. The desire to see what He is doing. Perhaps acting on that desire will offer some answers. All I know tonight, is He’s here, He found me today. As for tomorrow . . . . ?