Saturday, April 30, 2011

Things change . . . yet stay the same

Today, was a special birthday of a specail kid. It was different this year . . .I wasn't there to see the expression of excitement from a room filled with decorations and presents. I wasn't there for the morning birthday breakfast. But I did catch up around noon to induldge in some birthday shopping, some birthday laughter and some birthday grub. It was in those moments I still felt attached, still felt like an important part, still felt like family. I am learning that even though situations change, boundaries change and mailing addresses change . . .family doesn't.

It was great! To see this 7 year old grow into an amazing 14 year old has been such a blessing. Even though there is very little credit that I can take, He has turned into an amazing teen. And today, I realized just how blessed I will be to continue to watch him grow into the man God has called him to be.And I've been blessed to learn first hand of parenting done well, done Godly, done admirably.

It was hard parting ways tonight. I lay my head in a seperate place now, and things are different. Stories have changed, but one thing will remain . . .we are family. We will still share special days, occassions, and memories. We will share the joy, the sorrow, the laughs and tears. We are family, and not matter what situations may change . . .that will always remain.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I should be sleeping . . .

I run. I run when life gets uncomfortable. I run when I get hurt. I run when things don’t go as I think they should. I shut down, I pick up and I run. It’s easy that way. I really don’t have to feel. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to come face to face with the reality that things get messy. That life is hard. All I have wanted to do in the last few weeks is to run, to pick up and to leave this chapter behind me. To go where no one knows me and start fresh. But no matter how hard I have tried to convince myself to move on and run away, I know it would just lead to more running.

Just cruising along has been my M.O. for a while now. But today was different. I was actually running behind my normal morning routine. Thirty minutes off of my schedule would normally put me in the middle of the chaotic morning commute, would have me arriving at work with everyone and their mother, and would have me waiting with 10 other folks in the break room all anticipating the first cup of coffee . . .but it wasn’t like that. My commute was quiet. There wasn’t a soul in the parking lot when I arrived and once I got to my desk there was an eerie silence. The difference in what should have been caught me off guard enough to stop the cruise control and for the first time in weeks to think and reflect.

I don’t want to run.

I don’t want to be apart from Him and what He is doing. I know that I am where I need to be, in this unsettled, insecure, vulnerable place where I am learning just how much I need Him. But I struggle with not knowing how to stand firm in this place of transformation. I’ve never stayed put long enough. So many questions, so many doubts. But tonight as I lay my head down, I have the desire. The desire to see what He is doing. Perhaps acting on that desire will offer some answers. All I know tonight, is He’s here, He found me today. As for tomorrow . . . . ?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Just keep moving . . .

The last three weeks I feel my life has been taken, shaken and turned upside down, . . . and not necessarily all in a bad way. During this craziness some friendships have really deepened. There have been some loved ones who have really stuck their necks out on a line to love on me and offer their support. I know that I will look back on this time period and see that is was what saved one of the dearest friendships I have ever had in my life. It is now, here in this season of life that I know I am growing, that my faith is deepening and that life is moving forward. I am striving and walking toward the life He created for me. The abundant one. The radical one. And even though there is overwhelming peace and even some excitement on this journey, I have to be honest with myself and admit that I am scared.

I think about Peter and wonder if he was scared when he stepped out of the boat? Perhaps Abraham was scared the morning he loaded up his donkey with Isaac. And what about Mary and Joseph, were they afraid of the lives they were being called to? And I want to think that Ananias was showing fear when he questioned God’s directions to go to Saul?

I feel foolish to say that I am scared. I feel weak in admitting that . . . But maybe that is just it. Maybe part of fear is the realization that I can’t do it on my own. That I need Him, more than ever. Maybe it is that even if Peter was scared, he still got out of the boat. Even if Abraham was scared, he still tied Isaac to the alter. And Mary and Joseph still chose to walk the journey together in the midst of their fears. And Ananias despite what he may have been feeling, went to Saul. Maybe it’s learning not to let fear be paralyzing, but instead remaining in motion towards obedience. So, maybe I can find comfort in the fact that it’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to shed a tear or two . . .or five, as long as my feet keep moving toward Him and where He is calling.