I am on this journey to find my voice, my identity. Today, I am taking a break from moving forward. I am stopping to take a look back and reflect on from where I have come. As I look back, I see who I have been, and I am saddened. I see that instead of taking the time to explore who I was created to be, I have wasted my time by creating myself in the image of people who I have admired and have looked up to. I have lived my life by mimicking their actions, speaking their words and by claiming their purposes and passions.
By dedicating my life to becoming more like them, I realize that I have never given ME a chance. I have failed to believe that I was created unique, different, and special. I focused on every flaw in disgust and refused to see those flaws as an opportunity for HIS beauty to be shown.
I have taken that place in my heart that was designed to be completely consumed by ONE thing and have distributed it over the years to idols that were not worthy. I thought that being more like them would create this world where I felt loved, and adored, cherished and looked up to. I thought there would be fulfillment and success, happiness and confidence, but instead I have created a place of disappointment, failure, rejection, emptiness, exhaustion and hurt.
Today, I am broken. I am here standing in the midst of smashed idols. I see the damage of my poor decisions, I see the disappointment of pedestals, and I see my pride and the true motives behind my choices. I have created a life of empty happiness and of hollow fulfillment. I have settled. A word I detested my life to become.
But it is in this brokenness that I feel a sense of thankfulness. This time of reflection has allowed me to shine light onto these dark truths, to break free from these chains and patterns that have held me captive. It is here I find forgiveness for who I have been, the hurt I have caused and the idols I have created. I am clinging to this new life of finding who I was created to be, to find my unique character, to find my voice.
To those who I have admired over the years . . . thank you. Thank you for your love, support, advice and prayers. I hope you do not stop sharing that with me, but I am taking you off the pedestal and putting Him back where He should have been all along. It is His turn to lead, His turn to be my voice, His turn to define me, to shape my character. And as I begin walking this journey again, I know that it is in Him where my identity will be found.
I trust that the little quirks and qualities He has given me are for a better purpose than I can see. It is by faith I am not hiding behind others anymore and trust that I am good enough to stand alone with Him. I think the most freeing part is that HE LIKES ME. I know this is a very elementary thought, but today is provides me comfort. He is reminding me to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I cannot wait for the day further along in this journey, where I stop and look back again, but this time I see the ashes and the rubble of where He broke and where He refined. It is then that I will be able to catch a glimpse of the beauty He has been creating.